I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Randomize
