I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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