Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
