i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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