I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
