i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
