I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
