Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
