Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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