i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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