Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
