You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
