My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I don't think brook has ever known best
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
