Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
