Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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