That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
