You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
