mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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