with your own penis?
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
