just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Randomize
