My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
