Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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