I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
