bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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