First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
