This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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