Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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