I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
