FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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