you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
