Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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