I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
