I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
