If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
