If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize