literally had 100 drinks last night.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize