just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
