I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm too high and old for this...
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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