My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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