You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
