Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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