I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
