My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Swine flu is the new snow day.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
