i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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