i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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