Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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