I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
