I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
