i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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