you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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