when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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