Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
