I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
