I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
