I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
