guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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