I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
