using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
